God has been faithful and very good to me for the longest time, which is why I’m so confused with regard to where I am now. I know that he brought me to where I am right now for a reason and purpose, and I’m so mixed up right now.

Basically, it’s like this: I’m not happy at work. I’m not happy at all. I honestly thought it was going to be a walk in the park, and it’s not. I don’t think I’ve ever been so miserable, and I don’t think it’s necessarily because of any one particular factor.

Cathy thinks I should stick it out, and that perhaps it’s just the adjustment phase. I’d like to believe her, and so for that, I probably will end up sticking it out there. However, if something I’m working on right now pushes through, believe me, I am soooo jumping ship.

The worst part of this all is that it’s indirectly affecting everything around me. I have a shorter temper, I’ve started to binge-eat and drink soda again, and I’ve found myself complaining incessantly about the job. I rely on God to get me through, and forgive me, but I’ve found that this stress has found me moving away from Him, when I should be running to Him for strength.

Some people thrive on building a career to the top, spending long nights, swallowing one’s pride, and basically setting aside health, family, and self-esteem in favor of the payoff in the not-so-distant future. I thought I could be one of those people.  As it turns out, I’m not. I realize that I value my family too much. I value my time too much. I value my self-esteem, and the knowledge that I am a good worker who meets the standards of my clients. If I can make enough to make my family comfortable, setting aside all the necessary things like insurance and educational plans to provide for their futures, and a little extra to go watch a movie and all that, I’m good to go.

This is not what I wanted.

Most of my life has shown me to be relatively flighty, and the three permanents in my life – my relationship with my God, my relationship with my wife, and my relationship with my child(ren) – are the only things not prone to shifting or abandonment. When I did have something solid – a good career at DLS-CSB or DirectWithHotels – I chose to leave because of better career opportunities, and, well, for the most part, I’ve found that the career opportunities fueled by ambition eventually turn out to be huge mistakes.

Maybe I’m not cut out to be a star, certainly not the ‘star’ concept in the worldly sense. Maybe I’m not cut out for ‘the industry.’ Maybe my skills were already being used, but I just didn’t see it. I know God has a plan for me, and I’m walking down a road, hopefully the one He’s mapped out for me, headed down that road, and trusting that Jesus is taking the wheel. Meanwhile, I’m here, trusting God to get me through each day, but with each day fraying the delicate fibers of my being, I know I’m not serving God the best way I want to.

In all things, that God may be glorified. Right now, I’m not sure I’m bringing glory to His Name. I sure don’t feel like it.

I’d appreciate  prayer.

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